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Once upon a time in the Land of Udderland,


it all started when our predictably heroic hero, Donkey Jones, woke up in a foxy forest. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling abnormally angered, Donkey Jones hit a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved Jade Scorpion was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Eleanor Goat. Donkey Jones had known Eleanor Goat for (plus or minus) one million years, the majority of which were striking ones. Eleanor Goat was unique. She was congenial though sometimes a little... pestering. Donkey Jones called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Eleanor Goat picked up to a very ecstatic Donkey Jones. Eleanor Goat calmly assured him that most man-eating capybaras panic before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually earnestly sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Donkey Jones. Why was Eleanor Goat trying to distract Donkey Jones? Because she had snuck out from Donkey Jones's with the Jade Scorpion only eleven days prior. It was a curious little Jade Scorpion... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Donkey Jones got back to the subject at hand: his Jade Scorpion. Eleanor Goat shuddered. Relunctantly, Eleanor Goat invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Jade Scorpion. Donkey Jones grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Eleanor Goat realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Jade Scorpion and she had to do it recklessly. She figured that if Donkey Jones took the rice rocket, she had take at least three minutes before Donkey Jones would get there. But if he took the Boeing? Then Eleanor Goat would be abundantly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Eleanor Goat was interrupted by three annoying jackassess that were lured by her Jade Scorpion. Eleanor Goat yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she skillfully reached for her dangerous oil-soaked rag and aimlessly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Boeing rolling up. It was Donkey Jones.


As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Jim's House of Wings to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Donkey Jones was out of the Boeing and went wildly jaunting toward Eleanor Goat's front door. Meanwhile inside, Eleanor Goat was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the Jade Scorpion into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind her giraffe. Eleanor Goat was concerned but at least the Jade Scorpion was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Eleanor Goat exotically purred. With a heroic push, Donkey Jones opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish rationality-deprived dumbass in a rice rocket,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Eleanor Goat assured him. Donkey Jones took a seat excruciatingly close to where Eleanor Goat had hidden the Jade Scorpion. Eleanor Goat sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Donkey Jones was distracted. Absolutely thrilled, Eleanor Goat noticed a abrasive look on Donkey Jones's face. Donkey Jones slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?
'

Eleanor Goat felt a stabbing pain in her love handle when Donkey Jones asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Jade Scorpion right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Donkey Jones's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet 3-legged gerbils. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Donkey Jones nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Eleanor Goat could react, Donkey Jones carefully lunged toward the box and opened it. The Jade Scorpion was plainly in view.

Donkey Jones stared at Eleanor Goat for what what must've been eight seconds. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, Eleanor Goat groped sassily in Donkey Jones's direction, clearly desperate. Donkey Jones grabbed the Jade Scorpion and bolted for the door. It was locked. Eleanor Goat let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Donkey Jones,' she rebuked. Eleanor Goat always had been a little oafish, so Donkey Jones knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Eleanor Goat did something crazy, like... start chucking ninja stars at her or something. A few unsatisfying minutes later, he gripped his Jade Scorpion tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Eleanor Goat looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Donkey Jones. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Donkey Jones. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Eleanor Goat walked over to the window and looked down. Donkey Jones was gone.


Just yonder, Donkey Jones was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Eleanor Goat's place. Donkey Jones had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral jackassess suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Jade Scorpion. One by one they latched on to Donkey Jones. Already weakened from his injury, Donkey Jones yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of jackassess running off with his Jade Scorpion.

About five hours later, Donkey Jones awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Donkey Jones did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy foxy forest, Donkey Jones was ridiculously lost. As if it really mattered he remembered that his Jade Scorpion was taken by the jackassess. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken jackasses emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha jackasses. Donkey Jones opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the jackasses sunk its teeth into Donkey Jones's love handle. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Donkey Jones's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than five miles away, Eleanor Goat was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Jade Scorpion. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened banana. With a hasty thrust, she buried it deeply into her prostate. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Donkey Jones... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the Jade Scorpion that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant jackassess, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end.

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